The History of the End of the World

I hate starting this article with “there is no reason for you to believe that the world will end soon,” but, oops, I just did.

I gotta tell you that I’d be more convinced that the world will suffer from a breakdown that will lead to a zombie apocalypse than an antichrist who will either eat us all alive, fight comeback-Jesus, make us all sinners (in which case the word “sin” will then have no meaning because we’re all doing it), pretend to be God and get us all together in worshiping him, label us with his mark, get fat at foodchains where an obvious triangle is displayed, watch the congress fight about a bill,  or do it all while dancing Horse.

Anyway, have you made a counting of the number of times that someone told you they know how the world will  end? I haven’t. It’s impossible to count every one of them. Media could not even document every claim.

But of course now we know that every human prediction was a failure. We are still here, breathing, reading, and blogging how every human prediction was a failure. Note that most of the prophesies were from respected people in church. All of them, claiming to be prophets and that God talked or communicated to them in some way.

Never forget this incomplete list of predictions:

1. Romans|634BCE. In a legend, 12 eagles appeared to Romulus. The eagles, the roman thought, each represented 10 years. They also thought that the 12 eagles represented the year of the lifetime of the world, which by that time still did not include other continents. I could not tell you how they came up with the number 10.

2. Hilary of Poitiers|365. Saint Hilary must be the origin on the adjective hilarious (Of course I have no way of knowing the truth. I’m just saying.). He was, but trust me on this, a very influential doctor of the church. He was also accusing people that they were the antichrist. What actually happened that year were the death of a Jewish leader, death of an antipope (Felix) who we never cared about, and a tsunami that ruined most of Europe. After the date of his end of the world prediction, he lived three more happy years before drying.

3. Donatists|380. Donatism is a Christian sect that fed criminals to beasts. Also, they did not believe that the Catholic church was any truer than they were in their sacraments. They predicted that the world will end on 380AD. When 381 came, they lived happily ever after.

4. Hippolytus and Irenaeus|500. Both of them believed that the world will end after the “sixth day” which, according to them is actually 6000 years. The former calculated that the world will end in 500AD, 6000 years after Adam and Creation, and the latter was influenced. Lactantius, who was born years after Hippolytus died, also believed that this would be the year when the world ends. All three of them were long dead when 500AD came. Of course now we know that only the catacomb burials ended that year.

5. Beatus of Liebana|793. On the night of April 6, people fasted and prayed after the Saint Beatus said that the world will end. That wasn’t the first end of the world prophecy from him. In his book, Commentary on the Apocalypse, he said that the world will end on 800AD. He died on 800AD.

6. Gregory of Tours|806. Bishop Gregory was long dead by this year. He said that the end of the world could be between 799 and 806.

7. Thiota|848. I think the first apocalypticists to admit that she only made her prophecy up was Thiota. (Correct me if you know anyone who admitted lying about the apocalypse before Thiota.) Thiota was branded heretic by the church.

8. Many Christians|10th century. The year 1000 was feared. Cartulaire de Saint-Jouin-de-Marnes said that the end was near because the end of the 10th century was also coming. Saint Abbo of Fleury spread a rumor that he heard a preacher (whose voice must have sounded like God)  say that the end will come before the 11th century. Pope Sylvester II believed that January 1 of the first year of the 11th century will be the end of the world. Bernard of Thuringia believed that the world will come eight years before the end of the 10th century. When the start of the 11th century came, Europe panicked. By September, babies, babies, babies. And all fathers were thanking Abbo, Pope Sylvester II, Bernard, and de Saint-Jouin-de-Marnes.

9. Halley’s Comet|989. Of course during that August night, it wasn’t named after Edmond Halley yet. So the people who didn’t go to your science class panicked.

10. Christians|1033. A thousand years after the crucifixion of their savior, many Christians believed that the world will end, panicked, and did not ask the question, “Why do we like to scare ourselves?” Earthquakes were recorded that year, and during the next year, and the next year, and the next…

11. Cardinal John of Toledo|1186. On September 23, people went into hiding because “The Letter of Toledo” said that the planets would align and only few would survive.

12. Pope Innocent III|1284. Pope Innocent III dedicated most of his Papacy to erasing Islam. He said that 666 years after the religion’s rise, the world will end. This is 68 years after his death. 1284 is also the year the Pied Piper went to Hamelin. Laugh. Out. Loud.

13. Joachim followers|1290. Giving scare-em-to-death another try, followers of Joachim of Fiore announced thirty years after the first failed prediction that the world will really, really end this time. What does that remind you? The boy who cried wolf. And then in 1333, they gave it a third try. Nothing happened.

14. Europeans|1340s-50s. You think these numbers are familiar? You’re right. The black plague, people in Europe thought, was the start of the end of the world.

15. Christopher Columbus|1658. Now let’s start mentioning familiar names. Columbus, with his amazing calculator that he did not have, calculated that the world will end 7000 years after its creation. I would not know how he managed to compute that the world started on 5343BCE. He must have based the 7000 years on Genesis. I would not know for sure.

16. John Napier|1688. You would think that the mathematician and scientist Napier would not miss any calculation. But give him the Book of Revelation, and he’ll make end of the world conclusions. Years after his death, when 1688 came, the world was free from anything the Book of Revelation ever said. But Napier had a second calculation: 1700. This time, it’s based on the Book of Daniels. (Yeah, that book we believe is exact on whatever Syria is experiencing right now). 1701, 1702 came and we’re still counting years.

17. Centro|1998. In the Philippines, a religious group claimed that they know that the world will end on 1998.

18. Harold Camping|2011. I was blogging on Tumblr on that day. May 21, Camping said the Rapture will happen and 3 percent of the world’s population will be taken by God into heaven. Yep, body and soul. When it didn’t happen, he said he miscalculated and the end date is actually October 21. Kroo kroo kroo. I guess he was really talking about this:

19. Many|2012. There are many theories on what might happen on December 21. These are not scientific theories though. <insert Nothing To Do Here meme>

There were also numerous claims from individuals and organizations that they know when Jesus would return. When the date came, guess what happened? Some atheist died laughing.

This list will never be complete. From year 1000 to the present, many claimed they know what we all must know: Jesus’ second coming or Rapture. I cannot put them all together here.

Help me complete this list. Send someone-from-history’s prediction to planetapilipinas@gmail.com with the subject “The History of the End of the World” and I’ll gladly credit it to you with your name.

In a completely unrelated note, here’s a favorite dialogue from The Newsroom:

Maggie: [to Jim answering as Michelle Bachmann] Congresswoman Bachmann.
Jim: Yes?
Maggie: You’ve said that you were told to run for president by God.
Jim: Please, I don’t–
Maggie: You have, right? You’ve said on a number of occasions that God told you to run for president. I have some clips if you’d like me to refresh your memory.
Jim: Nope, my memory is fresh.
Maggie: Here’s my question.
Jim: Good.
Maggie: What does God’s voice sound like? [everyone laughs] I’m completely serious. She’s saying that God spoke directly to her. How is this not the first question asked in a debate? How’s it not the only question? What does His voice sound like? What did He say exactly word for word? Did He speak in Hebrew? Acadian? Kiswahili-Bantu? And to put it in a medical context, is this the first time you’ve heard voices? She’s claiming to be a prophet. The whole world is sitting on the edge of their seat. How is this not the first question we’ll ask?
Jim: First of all, can you stop pointing at me and saying “she” and “her”?
Maggie: You’re the one who wanted to play a woman. But tell me why that question is out of line.
Jim: Because it’s not the best way to demonstrate seriousness of intent and it’s not the best way not to insult people.
Maggie: Which people?
Martin: Christians. 83 percent of the country.
Maggie: I’m one of them. And she’s insulting me! She’s insulting me, she’s insulting my family, she’s insulting my congregation, and she’s insulting my faith. She’s implying that Christians are imbeciles who will believe anything while reducing God to a party hack who endorses political candidates. Now, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is the first time since Moses that God has given direct instructions to someone other than His son. But if so, I think it deserves a follow-up.

What are we learning from all of these claims? That no one can really make exact predictions? That Christians will believe anything that people say especially when it should be feared? That it’s easy to lie to the people you will never meet and who will be born years after you die? That we cannot all be Noahs? That we will never learn from the boy who cried wolf? That we should just let science call it? I don’t know.